


Couples Therapy

by themoistplinth



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Written on a Plane, slight angst mostly fluff, this is jsut everyone forcing Keith and Lance to be a couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:37:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7730632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoistplinth/pseuds/themoistplinth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith and Lance attend a couple's councillor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couples Therapy

“This is unnecessary,” Keith scowled, leaning back on the plush velvet of the couch with his arms folded and staring at anything but the judgemental look of the person in front of him. Next to him Lance smirked, loving every part of the situation’s tension.   


“We took a group vote,” the teenager in front of them said from behind large, round glasses, “It’s necessary”.   


“You took a vote without us?” Keith demanded and Lance laughed at how uncomfortable the raven haired boy was.   


“We had to,” the teenager said, now too leaning back and, almost mockingly, tapping the pen in their hand against their clipboard, “Shall we begin?”   


“This is ridiculous,” Keith exclaimed, “We don’t need couples therapy!”   


“That’s not for you to decide,” the teenager said decisively, “And you’re not leaving this room until I say that you’ve been therapized”.   


Keith’s scowl deepened and Lance’s grin grew, “Alright then,” Lance laughed, “Therapize us Pidge Gunderson, PHD”.   


“PHDs don’t go to therapists Lance,” Keith corrected him grumpily, “They go to doctors”.   


“A therapist is a doctor space breath,” Lance snapped.   


“No they aren’t, they don’t get PHDs, that’s what makes a doctor a doctor”.   


“Oh and you know this because you’re soooo smart”.   


“This!” Pidge snapped angrily, “This is why we’re doing this! You know there wasn’t a single vote that said you _didn’t_ need this?”  


Keith and Lance stared at Pidge for a moment before Lance said, “Wait so is Pidge a doctor then if he was a PHD?”   


Pidge let out a guttural growl and immediately pushed Lance off of the sofa, away from Keith, towards a separate chair to its side, “No talking unless I say so,” he ordered, “This court-mandated therapy isn’t all about you”.   


“We’re in space,” Keith frowned, “There’s  a space court?”   


Pidge sighed low for a moment-they held a deep breath, released it, and their face softened to a neutral expression. They scribbled on his clipboard and look up, “We’ll start there-Keith why do you feel the need to question everything that is said to you? There are no wrong answers”.   


Keith looked uncertain for a moment, his brow soft but his eyes unsure, “I guess it’s because I want to understand what they’re saying?”   


“AHH wrong answer,” Lance said, imitating a buzzer poorly, “It’s because he’s a smug asshole who has to correct everything that people say-it makes him feel smarter”.   


“Lance,” Pidge said before Keith could respond, “Why do you constantly insult Keith if you’re seeing him, romantically and sexually?”   


“Woah, woah,” Lance laughed nervously, “Keith and I are _not_ sleeping together or whatever that romantic thing you said was, we’re just friends, not even friends, we’re not sleeping together”.   


“Ha,” Pidge said dryly, pushing their glasses up, “Answer the question Lance, why do you insult him”.   


“Because he’s a jerk!” Lance insisted, “And his hair looks like the 80s threw up on him! And, and he smells bad and he’s just not good!”   


“You gotta admit, that was one of his most coherent string of insults,” Keith said, a grin dancing on his lips now, “I’m enjoying this now, Pidge keep asking Lance personal questions”.   


Pidge pursed their lips and scribbled on their clipboard again-they hummed for a moment in thought before saying, “Most couples experience issues because of a lack of communication”.   


“We’re not a couple!” Lance shouted insistently again.   


“You two, I think, have too much of the wrong kind of communication,” Pidge continued, ignoring Lance entirely, “You are hereby forbidden from bickering in my sessions”.   


“Sessions plural?” Keith frowned worried, “There’s going to be more than one?”   


“Way to go hotshot, you can understand English,” Lance taunted, “Next Pidge is going to teach you about nouns and then maybe even some three syllable words!”   


Pidge grunted angrily and shouted, “Hunk, Shiro, get in here”. Immediately the door slid open and the two paladins walked in, Shiro’s face his usual expression of neutrality and Hunk looking uncomfortable and nervous-he smiled but there was no joy, just obligation playing on his face. They both carried metallic crates, obviously lightweight yet awkward looking to carry, “Every time one of you two bicker or argue or are generally uncooperative, Shiro and Hunk will punish both of you”.   


“So if I mess up, Keith has to deal with the consequences?” Lance mused, stroking an imaginary beard, “This situation sounds fun to me again suddenly”.   


“Yeah because you’ve never got me or anyone else on the team in trouble before,” Keith muttered, “Hey remember when your lion could taken because you had to hit on a girl?”   


“Remember when you attacked Zarkon _alone_ because you were an idiot,” Lance responded smugly.   


“That was so long ago, let it go already!”   


Both boys gasped suddenly as icy water slid down their faces, cold and unpleasant, dripping down their necks, sending chills through their entire bodies.   


“Back on topic then,” Pidge said, as if having not noticed the water balloons both Shiro and Hunk had thrown-Shiro’s face remained neutral but Hunk was guiltily trying to look anywhere but at Lance and Keith, “I want you to both say one nice thing about your boyfriend”. They both opened their mouths to insist that the other was _not_ their boyfriend but Pidge held up their hand without looking at either boy, “One nice thing,” they repeated.  


“A nice thing about Keith?” Lance said incredulously, “That’s like asking for a bad thing about me!”   


“I didn’t know you thought there were so many nice things about me,” Keith said smugly before cold water hit him, somehow more unpleasant than the first assault had been. Lance received a similar treatment, but Hunk’s apprehensiveness at the situation caused it to hit him in the chest instead, sticking his shirt to his lithe form.   


“One nice thing,” Pidge glowered.   


“He’s a good pilot,” Lance spat, shivering melodramatically.   


“He shuts up sometimes,” Keith scowled. Another two water balloons hit the boys, again colder than the last.   


“They’re just gonna keep getting icier and icier,” Pidge said, tapping the pen in a monotonic rhythm, “Unless you want us to throw literal ice filler balloons at you I suggest you become more cooperative”.   


“He has nice skin!” Keith cried, “His hair is cute! Sometimes he’s able to make me laugh! What do you want from me?”   


“One nice thing,” Lance snickered in an imitation of Pidge’s voice, earning the two of them two more cold balloons, “Worth it,” Lance stuttered happily as the water slipped into crevices it was most uncomfortable to have cold water in.   


“Now I want you to say one thing about your boyfriend you would change,” Pidge said calmly, quickly adding, “But not in an at all rude or malicious way, a genuine improvement that you would have them undergo. And then Lance you have to say two more nice things so that you’re even with Keith”.   


Lance scowled grumpily, his arms crossed on the arm chair and pouting, “Could barely come up with one nice thing, don’t know how I’m meant to say two more,” he muttered mutinously.   


“I would make Lance less stubborn,” Keithsaid decidedly, staring at the ridiculously positioned Lance, “If I had to change one thing without being mean that is”.   


“I would make him less of a smug asshole,” Lance scowled, “I mean less of a smug ass…hole”. Lance stared at the other paladins blankly, “I couldn’t come up with a word that sounds like asshole,” he said in defeat, “Just balloon us already”.   


Hunk and Shiro threw the balloons, Hunk’s hitting all of Lance due to his curled up position and Shiro’s ‘accidentally’ missing, which they all knew would be impossible with Shiro’s perfect aim and perfect arm, and perfect anything if they were honest.   


“And the two nice things?” Pidge prompted.   


“He’s calm in a crisis,” Lance shivered, “And he’s a good shot”.   


“Interesting,” Pidge mused, his voice annoying and condescending to the boys. He tapped his pencil still and repeated himself, “Interesting”. Keith wanted to snap the pencil, “You only seem to be complimenting aspects of Keith you’ve seen on missions, whilst Keith complimented you as a person, almost as if you’re avoiding saying anything about Lance that could be personal, not just learnt from flight records and data”.   


Lance’s face flushed red, “So what? I’m complimenting things that actually matter!”   


“Compliment Shiro,” Pidge ordered.   


“He’s hot,” Lance immediately responded and the blush on his face deepened. He hid his face in his hands.   


“Interesting indeed,” Pidge muttered and scribbled more on his clipboard, “Lance I want you to compliment something about Keith as a person, not as a paladin”.   


“Just balloon me,” Lance moaned, his voice slightly muffled by his hands, “You’re asking me to do something impossible”.   


Pidge shot Shiro and Hunk a look, and shook his head as they raised their arms to throw, “Lance say something nice about Keith”.   


“Bite me”.   


Keith sighed, “He’s always like this,” he said in fake sadness, “Even in bed he’s so emotionally closed off. I’ll tell him that he’s beautiful as our bodies touched and we show each other our love and he tells me that my lion looks cool,” Keith laughed as the water balloon hit him, feeling it was entirely worth it to add to Lance’s discomfort.   


“You want me to say something ncie,” Lance growled as water trickled out of his hair, “He’s able to be a real pain in the ass without even trying,” _balloon_ , “He doesn’t entirely look like a horse,” _balloon_ , “His nose is the same colour as his jacket,” _balloon,_ “He makes other people look better by standing next to them,” _Ice_.   


“Enough,” Keith begged, “They’re throwing ice at us Lance, why can’t you just say something nice so that it stops”.   


“Because you always ruined everything,” Lance bellowed, “Back on Earth, you always beat me. Then when it looked like I was gonna beat you, you disappear. Then I get a robot lion and, oh look, Keith has to have the super-fast and super-strong one. I can’t say anything nice about you because everything about you is better than me!”   


Pidge smiled, “And there we go,” he said, “Therapy”.   


Lance seethed and breathed heavily and Keith turned his head slowly to look at them, “You did all this,” Keith said quietly, “You got us soaking wet and shivering, you made Lance emotionally vulnerable and all you have to say is _therapy_?”   


“So you care if Lance is emotionally vulnerable?” Pidge asked and leant forward.   


“Of course I do!” Keith shouted, “He’s one of the only friends I’ve ever had, probably the best friend I’ve ever had!”   


Shiro looked at Hunk from behind Pidge and mouthed something and Hunk supressed a giggle, “So you think of Lance as your friend?”   


“Of course he does jackass,” Lance whispered angrily, his voice carrying across the room easily, “Why do you think whenever one of us says something the other is the one who responds? You think we would keep talking to each other if we hated each other?”   


“Yet you couldn’t’ say something nice about him?” Pidge continued, “Almost as if admitting something nice about him would make you feel, what, defeated? Or would it lead to you confessing something else?”   


“You’re on thin ice Gunderson,” Keith warned but Pidge waved him away.   


“Is there something you want to tell Keith Lance? About how you feel?”  


“I feel like you’re getting on my nerves,” Lance muttered.   


Hunk and Shiro both lightly throw the ice-filled balloons at them, lightly bouncing off their skin and hitting the floor with a _thunk_. Clearly they both thought Pidge’s methods were crossing a line slightly, “How do you feel about Keith, Lance?”   


“He’s pretty much the most attractive guy on this ship, there I said a nice thing, are you done now?”   


Pidge scribbled on their board again, “Almost. I feel like we’ve made some real progress today, although I have just one more question”.   


Lance stared at Pidge angrily, “What is it?” he implored, “What other mental anguish are you going to force on us?”   


“There was no one forcing you to be here,” Pidge stated, “The door’s been unlocked, despite my threat, and yet neither of you once attempted to get up and leave. You had the power to get out and yet you stayed; why?”  Lance and Keith were both at a loss for words, “Is it that you wanted to stay?”   


Lance and Keith both remained silent and Pidge smiled triumphantly, “I think we’ll only need a couple more sessions of this,” they grinned, “Shouldn’t take long”.   


Pidge pulled their legs onto their chair, dropped their pencil and clipboard to the floor and clapped their hands; at once Shiro and Hunk set down their boxes and wheeled Pidge out of the room. A heavy silence sat over Keith and Lance for a while before eventually Keith asked:   


“What does the clipboard say?”   


Lance slowly got out of his chair and picked it up off of the floor, staring in disbelief at it. He remained uncharacteristically silent.   


“Lance?”   


Lance walked over to Keith holding out the clipboard-on it, scrawled in big letters was the words **Just Fuck Already** bold and underlined, with small love hearts drawn around it and a picture of Pidge giving a thumbs up.   


Needless to say the boys did not attend another one of ‘Pidge Gunderson, PHD’s sessions, the emotions from the first session more than enough to teach them not to bicker as much in front of the others.   


Pidge’s advice on the clipboard, however, played a pivotal role in their ability to bicker less.

**Author's Note:**

> I just....I don't know anymore guys, I just don't know


End file.
